1. Win win approach

Opponents or partners

The win/win approach is about changing the conflict from adversarial attack and defence, to co-operation.
It is a powerful shift of attitude that alters the whole course of communication.

One person consistently applying a joint problem-solving approach can make the difference. You, the reader, will probably be that person - redirecting the course of the conflict. Therefore, the first person you have to convince is yourself.

Until we give it attention, we are usually unaware of the way we argue. We often find ourselves with a knee-jerk reaction in difficult situations - based on long established habits combined with the passing mood of the moment. When challenged, we experience separateness, disconnectedness from those around us - a feeling of "you or me" - a sense that there isn't enough for both of us and if one person is right, then the other person must be wrong. Often we haven't taken even a moment to consider what is the best approach in the circumstances.

While people battle over opposing solutions "Do it my way!", "No, that's no good! Do it my way!", the conflict is a power struggle. What is needed is to change the agenda in the conversation. The win/win approach says:

The challenge now is how to have this happen.

Go Back to needs

The most important win/win manoeuvre you can make is to change course by beginning to discuss underlying needs, rather than only looking at solutions. The following story makes the point quite well:

Had they discussed needs rather than heading straight to solutions, they could have both had the equivalent of a whole orange. Their needs were complementary, in fact, not conflicting. With the determination to use a win/win approach, two sets of needs can frequently dovetail together.

Addressing each person's underlying needs means you build solutions that acknowledge and value those needs, rather than denying them. Even where solutions cannot be as perfect as in the orange story, the person feels quite differently about the outcome.

To probe below the surface requires redirecting the energy. Ask questions like "Why does that seem to be the best solution to you?", "What's your real need here?", "What interests need to be served in this situation?", "What values are important to you here?", "What's the outcome or result you want?"

The answers to these questions significantly alters the agenda on the discussion table. It places there the right materials for co-operative problem-solving. It leads to opportunities for you to say what you need and for other people to say what they need too.

Win/win

A win/win approach rests on strategies involving:

• going back to underlying needs
• recognition of individual differences
• openness to adapting one s position in the light of shared information and attitudes
• attacking the problem, not the people.

The Win/win approach is certainly ethical, but the reason for its great success is that IT WORKS. Where both people win, both are tied to the solution. They feel committed to the plan because it actually suits them.

Even when trust between the parties is very limited, the Win/Win Approach can be effective. If there's some doubt about the other person keeping their end of the bargain you can make the agreement reciprocal. "I'll do X for you, if you do Y for me." X supports their needs, Y supports yours. "I'll drive you to the party, if you clean the car." "I'll help you draw up those figures for your reports, if you sort out these invoice queries."

It's a successful strategy. Usually, co-operation can result in both people getting more of what they want. The Win/Win Approach is Conflict Resolution for mutual gain.

• Right or wrong?
• Do I measure up?
• Life is struggle.
• Mistakes are unacceptable.
• Judgement.
• Unbendable beliefs about what's proper.
• Failure!!
• Do you measure up?
• Life is hard work.
• I have to be right.
• Blame.
• Don't take any chances

• Enquire about their needs in the situation.
• Enquire about their concerns, anxieties or difficulties.
• Find out their view of the needs and concerns of other relevant people affecting the situation.
• Ask general questions that encourage them to open up e.g. How do you see it all?
• Ask specific questions that will give you significant pieces of information e.g. How much does it cost?
• Explore hidden premises on which they build their thinking.

4. Appropriate assertiveness

When to use "I" statements

The essence of Appropriate Assertiveness is being able to state your case without arousing the defences of the other person. The secret of sucess lies in saying how it is for you rather than what they should or shouldn't do. "the way I see it...", attached to your assertive statement, helps. A skilled "I" statement goes even further.

When you want to state your point of view helpfully, the "I" statement formula can be useful. An "I" statement says how it is on my side, how I see it.

You could waste inordinate quantitites of brain power debating how the other person will or won't respond. Don't! You do need to be sure that you haven't used inflaming language, which would be highly likely to cause a negative response i.e. it should be "clean". Because you don't know beforehand whether the other person will do what you want or not, the cleanest "I" statements are delivered not to force them to fix things, but to state what you need.

Use an "I" statement when you need to let the other person know you are feeling strongly about the issue. Others often underestimate how hurt or angry or put out you are, so it's useful to say exactly what's going on for you - making the situation appear neither better nor worse i.e. your "I" statement should be "clear".

What Your "I" Statement Isn't

Your "I" statement is not about being polite. It's not to do with "soft" or "nice", nor should it be rude. It's about being clear.

It's a conversation opener, not the resolution. It's the opener to improving rather than deteriorating relationships.

If you expect it to be the answer and to fix what's not working straight away - you may have an unrealistic expectation.

If you expect the other person to respond as you want them to immediately, you may have an unrealistic expectation.

What you can realistically expect is that an appropriate "I" statement made with good intent.

• is highly unlikely to do any harm
• is a step in the right direction
• is sure to change the current situation in some way
• can/will open up to possibilities you may not yet see.

Sometimes the situation may not look any different yet after a clean, clear "I" statement it often feels different, and that on its own can change things. Here's an example:

Nan was upset when she heard her adult son, Tommy, had visited town and not bothered to call or see her. They seemed to be growing further apart, and she had been brooding over this. She did not want to appear to nag him, or say anything to make things worse. She did want to see him when he came to town.

When next they spoke, instead of putting on her "pretending not to be hurt" voice, she prepared herself for the conversatin with a well rehearsed "I" statement. She got it "clear" and "clean". She was very sure she wanted a conversation that would be different from all those times she hinted at the problem without really saying it.

"When I miss out on seeing you I feel hurt and what I'd like is to have contact with you when you are in town."

She said it. Tommy immediately reacted with "You're always going at me with the same old thing."

But Nan had a clear intention. "No", she said. "This time I said something different. I was simply telling you how I feel."

For the first time on this issue, he really heard her. There was a moment's silence. Then instead of getting defensive (his usual pattern) he said "Well, actually I've tried to phone a few times. You weren't home." She acknowledged that was so. She felt much better and they then went on to have the best conversation in ages.

The next time someone shouts at you and you don't like it, resist the temptation to withdraw rapidly (maybe slamming the door on the way out). Resist the temptation to shout back to stop the onslaught, and deal with your own rising anger.

This is the time for APPROPRIATE ASSERTIVENESS. Take a deep breath. Stay centred, feet firmly planted on the ground, and get your mind into "I" statement gear. Start mixing a three ingredient recipe:

• When... I hear a voice raised at me
• I feel... humiliated
• And what I'd like is that I... can debate an issue with you without ending up feeling hurt.

The best "I" statement is free of expectations. It is delivering a clean, clear statement of how it is from your side and how you would like it to be.

5. Co-operative power

Responding to resistance from others

When faced with a statement that has potential to create conflict, ask open questions to reframe resistance. Explore the difficulties and then re-direct discussion to focus on positive possibilities.

Explore - Clarify details

Find options

Redirect - Move to the positive

Go back to legitimate needs and concerns

6. Managing emotions

Handling yourself

• 5 Questions + 5 Goals
• Don't indulge
• Don't deny
• Create richer relationships

Print out the questionnaire below to complete the following:

Five questions

when angry/hurt/frightened

Five goals

in communicating emotions

Managing emotions - part 2

Handling others

People's behaviour occurs for a purpose. They are looking for ways to belong, feel significant, and self-protect. When people perceive a threat for their self-esteem, a downward spiral can begin. People can be led into obstructive behaviours in the faulty belief that this will gain them a place of belonging and significance. How we respond to their difficult behaviours can determine how entrenched these become.

The secret is to break out of the spiral by supporting their real needs without supporting their destructive faulty beliefs, and alienating patterns of reaction.

7. Willingness to resolve

Projection and shadow

Does the situation inform or inflame?

The Opportunity

The more someone inflames me, angers or upsets me, the more I know I have something to learn about myself from that person. In particular, I need to see where projection from my shadow side has interfered with my willingness to resolve.

Projection

Projection is when we see our own thoughts and feelings in the minds and behaviour of others and not in ourselves. We push something about ourselves out of our awareness and instead see it coming towards us from others. We see that X is angry with us and we feel hurt. We don't recognise that we are angry with X and would like to hurt X. It's very similar to film projection. The movie going on in our heads is projected out onto the people around us. Each of us builds, in this way, a highly personalised world. Greater self- awareness is necessary if we are to see reality.

Persona and shadow

Psychologist, Carl Jung, used the word "Persona" to describe the conscious aspects of personality, good and bad aspects which are known to the person. Jung called the unknown side of who we are "shadow".

Shadow hugging and boxing

Extreme attachment or rejection are both signs that our shadow has us in its hold. If we are overly attached to someone because of desirable qualities that we see in him/her and deny in ourselves we are SHADOW HUGGING. If we are overly rejecting of undesirable qualities in someone or something that we deny in ourselves we are SHADOW BOXING.

Acknowledgement

To be willing to resolve, we need to acknowledge our projection. Consider:

• Suppressed needs e.g. Failing to recognise my need for companionship, I am deeply hurt when a friend postpones time we'd planned to be together.
• Unresolved personal history e.g. If I was seriously let down as a child I may become really wild when people don't do what they promised.
• Unacceptable qualities e.g. Because I don't accept my own anger, I don't accept it in others.

8. Mapping the conflict

Define briefly the issue, the problem area, or conflict in neutral terms that all would agree on and that doesn't invite a "yes/no" answer e.g. "Filing" not "Should Sal do filing?"

Alongside Who: write down the name of each important person or group.

Write down each person's or group's needs. What motivates him/her?

Write down each person's or group's fears, concerns, or anxieties.

Be prepared to change the statement of the issue, as your understanding of it evolves through discussion or to draw up other maps of related issues that arise. You may need more space for writing all the significant needs and fears than the table below allows.

9. Development of options

What are the range of options? Use the tools below to generate ideas.

Clarifying tools

• Chunking - breaking the problem into smaller parts.
• Researching - more information; extent of resources: constraints.
• Goal-setting - what is the outcome we want?

Generating tools

• The obvious solution - to which all parties say "yes".
• Brainstorming- no censoring, no justifying, no debating
• Consensus - build a solution together
• Lateral thinking - have we been practical, creative?

Negotiating tools

• Maintain current arrangements - with trade-offs or sweeteners.
• Currencies - what is it easy for me to give and valuable for you to receive?
• Trial and error - try one option, then another
• Establishing alternatives - what will happen if we can't agree?
• Consequesnce confontation - what I will do if we don't agree.

Selection

Consider:

• Is it built on a win/win approach?
• Does it meet many needs of all parties?
• Is it feasible?
• Is it fair?
• Does it solve the problem?
• Can we settle on one option or do we need to trial several?

10. Introduction to negotiation

Five basic principles

• Be hard on the problem and soft on the person
• Focus on needs, not positions
• Emphasise common ground
• Be inventive about options
• Make clear agreements

Where possible prepare in advance. Consider what your needs are and what the other person's are. Consider outcomes that would address more of what you both want. Commit yourself to a win/win approach, even if tactics used by the other person seem unfair. Be clear that your task will be to steer the negotiation in a positive direction. To do so you may need to do some of the following:

Reframe

Ask a question to reframe. (e.g. "If we succeed in resolving this problem, what differences would you notice?" Request checking of understanding. ("Please tell me what you heard me/them say.") Request something she/he said to be re-stated more positively, or as an "I" statement. Re-interpret an attack on the person as an attack on the issue.

Respond not react

• Manage your emotions.
• Let some accusations, attacks, threats or ultimatums pass.
• Make it possible for the other party to back down without feeling humiliated (e.g. by identifying changed circumstances which could justify a changed position on the issue.)

Re-focus on the issue

Maintain the relationship and try to resolve the issue. (e.g. "What's fair for both of us?" Summarise how far you've got. Review common ground and agreement so far. Focus on being partners solving the problem, not opponents. Divide the issue into parts. Address a less difficult aspect when stuck. Invite trading ("If you will, then I will") Explore best and worst alternatives to negotiating an acceptable agreement between you.

Identify Unfair Tactics

Name the behaviour as a tactic. Address the motive for using the tactic. Chance the physical circumstances. Have a break. Change locations, seating arrangements etc. Go into smaller groups. Meet privately. Call for meeting to end now and resume later, perhaps "to give an opportunity for reflection".

11. Introduction to mediation

Attitudes for mediators

These attitudes are relevant whenever you want to advise, in a conflict which is not your own. It may be a friend telling you about a problem on the telephone. It may an informal chat with both conflicting people. It may be a formally organised mediation session.

• Be objective - validate both sides, even if privately you prefer one point of view, or even when only one party is present.
• Be supportive - use caring language. Provide a non-threatening learning environment, where people will feel safe to open up.
• No judging - actively discourage judgements as to who was right and who was wrong. Don't ask "Why did you?" Ask "What happened?" and "How did you feel?"
• Steer process, not content - use astute questioning. Encouraging suggestions from participants. Resist advising. If your suggestions are really needed, offer as options not directives.
• Win/win - work towards wins for both sides. Turn opponents into problem-solving partners.

Mediation Methods

Use the simple, yet effective rules from the "Fighting Fair" poster.

• Define your mediator role as there to support both people "winning".
• Get agreement from both people about a basic willingness to fix the problem.
• Let each person say what the problem is for them. Check back that the other person has actually understood them.
• Guide the conversation towards a joint problem solving approach and away from personal attack.
• Encourage them to look for answers where everybody gets what they need.
• Redirect "Fouls" (Name Calling, Put Downs, Sneering, Blaming, Threats, Bringing up the Past, Making Excuses, Not Listening, Getting Even). Where possible you reframe the negative statement into a neutral description of a legitimate present time concern.

Steps in Mediation

12. Broadening perspectives

Respect and value differences

Just as we are unique and special, so are other people. We all have distinctive viewpoints that may be equally valid from where we stand. Each person's viewpoint makes a contribution to the whole and requires consideration and respect in order to form a complete solution. This wider view can open our eyes to many more possibilities. It may require us to change the mind chatter that says: "For me to be right, others must be wrong."

Recognise a long term timeframe.

Consider how the problem or the relationships will look over a substantial period of time. The longer timeframe can help us be more realistic about the size of the problem we presently face.

Assume a global perspective.

If we believe that the actions of one individual are interconnected with every other individual, then we can have a sense how our actions can have meaning in conjunction with the actions of others. We can look at the overall system, which may be the family, the organisation or the society. Consider what needs this larger unit has in order to function effectively.

Deal with resistance to the broader perspective

Taking up a broader view can be scary. It may make us less certain of the rightness of our own case. We may fear that we will lose all conviction to fight for what we need. We may have to give up the security we got from the simple way we previously saw the problem. We may need courage to enter the confusion of complexity. Many fears of taking the broader perspective prove ungrounded once we analyse them carefully.

Open to the idea of changing and risk-taking

By taking a broader perspective you may be confronted with the enormity of the difficulties. Identify what you can do to affect a particular problem, even if it is only a small step in the right direction. One step forward changes the dynamics and new possibilities can open up.